Thursday, December 30, 2010

Broken Wing

I sit alone in my new home. The differences I notice make me wonder if I could have asked for anything more than what I had been just blessed with. A new walkman with selected tracks recorded on a tape. Why is it that my own family never did this for me? Why were they so unloving and uncaring? Why is it that I was forced to live a life filled with compromises? And here, I say to myself, “Not any more, not any more”.

I remember the dark scribbles on my white mudded walls - a lady with long hair, glasses and claws, a man with a drink in his hand, a whip in another and four innocent kids screaming my name in vain and pleading for forgiveness. All in vain!

I had swum enough in circles with a broken wing.

Until now, life was all about surviving. Until now, I knew only of my weaknesses. For a change, I, who was once behind a change, had change knocking on my door.

My determination grew. My will to become someone and succeed grew. But, the chains that were tied to my feet were yet to be broken.

How can people love so deeply? How can there be so much passion? Is this all fake? It seems real. It seems surreal.

I still remember that Tuesday morning when a man in a black coat came home, saw me, spoke to them and took me away from them. Although I cried, the tears I shed came from happiness.

This was the first right choice I had made since a long time.

Distracted by the colourful outside, I deviated again. I did not completely understand the value of happiness I was just blessed with. I turned greedy. I looked for more. I needed more. I needed them quickly. That was my second mistake.

As I stepped down into the crevasse, I enjoyed the journey. I decided against seeing the eyes of the ones who truly loved me to seeing something that brought instant pleasure. It is true that happiness does not come easily. But, when it comes, it lasts forever. When a man struggles and strives for happiness, he shall get it. And, when he gets it, he will truly be happy. He will be contented. Now, I know this. Back then, I was allured into some fatal attraction that I thought was better than what I already had. A regretful mistake.

Before I knew, I was slipping rapidly deep into the crevasse.

I decided to become the man in my dreams sooner than ideally possible. I failed.

I tried to correct all the wrongs I had done. I failed.

I lost all my money. I took over debts that were not mine. I disappointed the ones who truly loved me. And, when I said I love you, I did not mean it.

All I could do is lie on my broken bed and think of the mistakes I made. I opened my eyes to a new beginning. I lifted the book with the golden title and read it. I realized what I had done wrong.

I had fallen in love with a woman. I never told her how much she meant to me. What I shared with her was emotional and intimate and not just physical attraction. I realized, that was the only right thing I had done in my life. The alcohol in my body killed the sleeping tablets I had taken. I had been lucky that night.

This is the second time a chance was knocking on my door. This time I was determined to not mess around with it. I decided to cherish what I have. I learnt that relationships were more than just physical attraction. I now knew that no matter what, being honest and loyal would be appreciated and respected. So, I did just that.

Although maimed, I crawled out of the crevasse. I showed not my anger on the world because of my misfortune and my wrong turns, but my love to help people make the right choice.

Now, I realize how it is to be loved for a long time by the same person. I have learnt to recognise the loyalty and sincerity in someone’s love. True love is judged against a love for a mother for her child. It remains forever. I had not noticed it. Now, I am cherishing it.

Now, I realize that nothing in life comes easy. I need to work hard for it. Success can only be savoured after burning the midnight oil doing hard work. 

Image by lindelokse

Copyright © Ajey Padival 2010 (Brisbane, Australia; +61-434360675; 

6 responses:

Noelle said...

wow, very deep and thought provoking...I sense renewal here.

Snaggle Tooth said...

Such soul-searching!
These days it it so easy to lose it all. Yet to live is to be at risk.
Myself I had to compromise, work a job I hate at the price of artwork which can't be done at the same time, but at least I'm still paying my way... n living where I choose.
I've never settled to live with a man I don't love, so the price paid is my precarious finances n being alone.

Looks like you've learned the most important lessons! Confession always heals.
Best of luck to you!

Shadow said...

you've bared your soul here. i am glad you heard change knocking. i'm glad you allowed it in. twice. for you deserve the life you want. knowing what you know, through the lessons you have learnt.

Maverick said...

Wish u luck! :)

TechnoBabe said...

My goodness, you definitely are growing in your spirit and gaining wisdom in life. Good for you for being open to past mistakes and for being determined to recover. You sound so much better, healthier, happier even. It will be interesting to read your thoughts as you progress in your positive new life.

Scribbling Girl said...

Love the learnings which life life brought...this was one post from truly ur spirit to move....hope ur doing good now and Happy new year and wish this yr proves amazing for u ....God bless...