Saturday, May 21, 2011

Inner Turmoil

(All Instruments Begin)
(No Drums throughout)

Falling from clouds over the mountains
Feeling the flight go down
Seeing the moments pass right through me
Living a life in dust

I’m bleeding blood in this love, but I’m living
Changing the shape of my heart
Rejection was an unseen reflection
Left with no answers, but I stay

“He’ll never get close to anyone
He is one of those who feel bad when the world is not where he wants it to be
He is hopeless
You should have let gone of him when you had a chance
That was an easy choice
He is a disgrace to the family
You know nothing about life
All he brings is shame
He does not feel emotions, is he an animal?
You will be alone
You will not have anything to look forward to
He will not have any memories to share
He should have died
Why are you alive?
You expect a lot
What’s with the sadness in your eyes?
Your eyes say something else... your lips say different
Was he breathing when you held him?
What did you see? Tell us... what did you see?
Are you the victim here?
Are you all right?
Give some respect man! He is a human being!
How could they... how could they kill him?
He doesn’t give up... just give up
You are a difficult person
You can never love
You are a stone”

Every man has an angel come unto him
Learning from her reflections
He found her and his self again
Time to turn the page

I never thought this would end
This is not how I wanted it to end
And, nothing lasts forever

“You’re a wise man
You’re a beautiful person
Can I hug you?
You know, I cannot see you like this
You are worse than before
No, I am better being miserable
Why do you care so much?
I feel your pain, please let me hug you
Am I a good or a bad person?
You are a selfless lover
People should listen to you when you tell them to
Did I do anything wrong?
Forget me like your worst nightmare
I now know I can fall in love
You look happy... yes, you look happy now... be like this
I now know I can never fall in love again
It’s not that I cannot trust anyone... it is just that the one I trusted left me
Every rose has a thorn
He is my son
You touch him, and you will regret you did
Because I really loved her, do you understand?
Unspoken words still hanging in the air
I am freeing her because I care for her
He never revealed until recently
Now, I am back to what I was
Familiar place... I know everything here
Without meeting, and talking, this will go nowhere
You at least talk... I have no one to talk to
I am frozen in time because I want to be frozen here
Do you really want this to work? I know I do
I am glad she is happy
Promise me just this much... when I come back home... simply smile!
Nothing else I ask from you
Stay away... stay way away from me... people who get close to me tend to get hurt
Why do you say that?
Please don’t say that
Don’t hurt yourself like this
Was this too good to be true?”

(Percussion SOLO)
“Facing the reality
I am left with myself now, to talk to, to comfort
These feelings I cannot peel off so that I can heal
I love pricking my own wounds... who knows... something may be revealed
I may get my answers
Looking forward to this Sunday
When you have missed something, you have gained something
When you have gained something, you have missed something
Sadness I am comfortable with... I know sadness well... I can deal with it
You’ve got to try son
Pray about it brother
I cannot tell you how I feel brother
It aches... it aches badly... and I am left with no one again brother
Wondering why it hurts... I am used to this situation... I have friends
At the same time, I feel proud and happy for I have loved
I have loved for the right reasons”

(Man Speaking)
“Dry heat
This dry heat is killing me
You say anything about her, and you will regret you did
I made something for someone... but was not acknowledged of it...
Guess I have to deal with this
I love my mom
I miss your warmth
I miss talking to you
You were all I had
I know I can have someone else
But, what if I said, I want no one else”

(Instruments Stop)
(Piano SOLO)

(All Instruments BEGIN)

“It is 9’O Clock and the doors are closed
The windows are closed
The walls are closing in
Finding a place to sleep in my own home”

“There’s no one to take my blame”
I will never feel the same
So, thanks for giving me the best of times
I am already what you want me to be
My aims wander with no one to claim
My soul I won’t give up for my goal

(Guitar SOLO)

“I’ll never be open again
I’ll never be open again”
I can never be open again
I can never be open again

This life I defend, I pretend
“I’ll never be open again”
A broken dream I’m left to amend
I’m broken so I am open

Painting by Anthony 

Copyright © Ajey Padival 2010 (Brisbane, Australia; +61-434360675; 

16 responses:

Leo said...

Back here, after God knows how long, but I could relate. To the first 8 lines the most! And then again the last 4. Love changes quite a lot more than the shape of one's heart, doesn't it? This is a poem I think, coz I couldn't see the instruments mentioned between :) Very beautiful..

TechnoBabe said...

If living in constant pain becomes the comfortable place that you would rather live in, it is an unhealthy place indeed. The longer you live like that the longer and harder it is to get healthy, emotionally and mentally in particular.

Strawberry Girl said...

Sometimes you've got to realize where you've been to know where you can go.

Snaggle Tooth said...

Interesting 3-point perspectives to the "I, you, he/she" in this Out of a love piece. Quite a conversation going on with Dad too- I do wonder sometimes what's worse- going thru a break-up or just staying alone- There is no grey!

... Paige said...

I ditto Strawberry Girl.

Cynthia said...

an amazing depth and honesty
to your song, O. but then you
always write directly from
your beautiful heart.

The Write Girl said...

What deep emotional thoughts...I enjoyed the reflections and depth you draw from each line. It is both sad and beautiful. As readers, I feel that we can relate to these feelings of rejection and loss as well. I'm glad to read you! It's been awhile. Take Care AJ.

Anonymous said...

You should have left him ...

And then ,

I am better being miserable ..

I read all these words so amny times ..and finally when I read
"But,what if I said, I want no one else" ..

I cried for this. You made me unwrap myself again out of the pain i was mummified in .. I had fogotten what to think about past unless i read this !

What more can I say !

Opaque said...

@Leo - Good to see you back!

Opaque said...

@TechnoBabe - You are correct!

Opaque said...

@Strawberry Girl - True!

Opaque said...

@Snaggle Tooth - Thanks! It is better to have companionship, I believe.

Opaque said...

@...Paige - :)

Opaque said...

@Cynthia - Thanks, you! And, seeing you after a long time...

Opaque said...

@The Write Girl - Yes, it has been a while. :) Thanks!

Opaque said...

@ladynimue - :)