Airports Analysis

Airports are funny places to be in. Really, they are!

First of all, I have established that they follow a communist regime.

You need to follow rows that they have laid down for you. You cannot bypass them. You cannot overrule them.

And, then are the pricings. Have you noticed this? A cup of coffee that costs a dollar 50 outside will cost not less than 3 dollars. Moreover, they do not fill it to the brim. No, what you are seeing is froth. So, do not be fooled!

Then, are the delays!

It is not that there is a herd of birds causing a traffic jam thousands of feet above the ground.

I wonder how pilots handle delays in flights. Imagine the plane needed a key to start. And, say, if the pilot left the keys at home.

Good morning ladies and gentlemen. Umm, I feel embarrassed to say this, but, heh, I left the keys to the plane in my pants. And, that is in my girlfriends’ house which is a 30 minute drive from here. She lives in Bowen Plains. She is one kind of a lady! Well, I need to go and get it. So, if you don’t mind, please stay in and enjoy some refreshing beverage while we locate the spare key. Ya!

So, that was what the guys below the engine were doing. They were not checking for any leakages. They were looking for the spare key.

Ah, maybe it is under the door mat near the door

Maybe it is under seat F15

Maybe the airhostess is sitting on it

And, then when the flight is in the air, the pilot says

Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen. To make up for the time, we shall now fly as soon as we can.

This is something I have always failed to understand. If you can fly faster than you can, why not go as fast as you can so that you can reach sooner. It is not that there are cops in the air in their cop copters hiding behind a cloud so that you cannot spot them to issue a speeding ticket, is there?

Everything in the flight can potentially make you feel like a giant. Small seats, small arm rests, small texts, small spoons and forks, small portions of food... and the list goes on and on.

The most annoying seat, although quite beneficial in some aspects is the aisle seat. You need to constantly get up and squash your legs for the ones next to you to leave whenever they feel the need to go to the rest room.

I love the rest rooms in flights. I mean, yea, sure, they are small and cramped. But, I like how the lights turn up automatically as you close the door behind you. It is like a surprise party!

Things in the airports are simply fascinating. I don’t know if you readers have observed this, but, have you noticed how any word that begins with the letter “B” draws maximum attention these days.

Believe me, I became a popular figure when I was innocently rambling this -

Bum bara ba bum ba doo da bum bara ba bum ba doo da

In my defence, I was listening to Phil Collins.

I have also noticed how people stare at their fellow passengers in their attempt to deduce is that person from Laden’s hood OR not.

But, as they stare, they also hesitantly smile because, they do not want to get on your bad side, do they? I mean, seriously, if they were the bad guys, will they remember your smile? And, if they did, how would they spare you? By opening the emergency exit and shoving you out?

I’d read about this real incident that happened in one of the plane hijacking incidents in Mumbai. One of the female passengers fell in love with the terrorist and actually eloped with him as soon as the negotiations were completed. Talk about love being blind!

I remember the times when people would help a fellow passenger and such. Now, people hesitate to do that.

What if I get my finger prints on your bomb sack?

Also, you will notice there is always a seat left between two unknown people before you beard the flight. By the way, this is understandable in a male restroom.

Fear is taking over us. No one wants to be remembered with any stranger -

What is he is a terrorist? If I sit close to him, I will be at gun point.

The other odd gesture I have noticed is when you are in the flight, and your fellow passenger cannot quite get the TV screen to work. He tries to press, push and pull every single button there is. And, then, he squirms a bit. This is only to grab your attention. He does not want to appear needy and ignorant. But, at the same time, he wants you to notice that he is having a hard time operating the TV. And, then when you help him, he says –

Ah I knew that. Yea. Thanks, any ways.

Have you ever flown with a person who is flying for the first time? I have not. But, I keep wondering how a person from rural areas would handle such a momentous situation. I recall performing a mime show on the same incident.

Probably misunderstand the fork to a scratching utility than a cutlery, and chain his baggage to his seat.

Sometimes the pilot walks out of his cabin to take a look at his passengers. There was a time when I wanted to ask –

If you are here, who is flying this thing? Get back in there!

Of course, back then, I did not know of the autopilot system.

Have you also noticed some of them people who try hard to grab the air hostess’s attention?

They ping for the air hostess to have their seatbelts fastened. They ask for Diet Coke, and not regular. And, then flaunt their reasons away –

You know Diet Coke has lesser calories. So, I drink them instead. AH, look whom I am talking to? You have taken care of yourself quite well. You should know all this. Hehehe.

Hello there! Is that a Chanel CoCo?

No, that is the air freshener. Lemon Twist.

Then, are the forms you are asked to fill. One of the questions that I find quite pointless -

Are you associated with any terrorist organization?

Who would admit to this? I mean... really?!

The last time I was flying, there were quite a few dogs being transported. I imagine their conversation in the luggage compartment

Dog 1 – Hey man. Wassup?

Dog 2 – Nothing much mate! Me master is drifting me off to the Carribean. He needs a bloody tan!

Dog 1 – What’s up with these humans? They hate being dark. But, still they get a tan! Hypocrites. I mean, when is the last time you watched a “become dark in 7 days” commercial?

Dog 2 – Tell me about it. And, we need to follow them wherever they go.

Dog 1 – Well dude, we are dogs after all!

Also, have you noticed the security scanner in airports? You know, there is a way out of it. If you manage to gingerly walk below them, they will not beep. But, if you pass soon, the system beeps –

Hey! He passed through quickly! He must be hiding something! Stop him!

It is like a child who did not see his favourite cartoon character go pass by in a carnival, and insists on seeing it again.

And, then suddenly, you become a celebrity. All eyes on you. Some eyes eager to witness a drama and secretly wishing for you to get handcuffed. Phones with cameras pop out of nowhere to record this. And, then some, chanting mantras for all to go smoothly.

I have come across times when I had to take off everything except my essentials, and I have still generated a beep. The security officer asked me, “Sir, do you have any metal on you?”

I said -

Perhaps, it is the iron in my blood. Here, I will drain it out for you

Copyright © Ajey Padival 2010 (Brisbane, Australia; +61434360675; ajeypadival@msn.com)

Photo from Greenwich 2000

Hey all. This is a new section I am intending to add in my blog. I am calling it "Odd H'Orderves". These are simply a collection of my day-to-day observations with a comical twist and a satirical take. Let me know what you all think of it. And, I shall then continue with it.