Struggling to relate

I thought I share this poem called Listen with you all. I wrote this many years back (2000) when I had merely begun writing. I was awe struck when I was reiterated the same theme by my best friend April.    

Deep like the human heart

Now, and then

It looks for a leak

An unknown mystery

You may think you know

But, you don’t

A loner who is not alone

Its’ cold waters

Reaches for the soul

Its warmth

Touches the soul

Like a heart it may be unsure

Sometimes polluted, but the spirit is pure

A conscience that is clear

Stay away, come nowhere near

You do not know what is beneath, you must fear

To the depths, you must hear

To measure the depth

You must dive into the molecules

And, keep an eye

For the leaks

Let go of yourself

Surrender to the rhythm

Give yourself to understanding

The bony bed

The erasing waves

The residual memories

That come and go and come again

Find yourself amidst the turbulence

See the rippled reflections of the present

Notice them change

Struggle through life

As your feet sinks into the soft sand

Listen

Listen to the whistling wind

As it unveils

The secrets of the mystic ocean

I smiled today. I saw it on the reflection on my LCD screen. It was a result of someone hugging me. I did not tell that person how I felt. Perhaps, I should have. I felt this beautiful feeling of contentment of being cared for, respected and understood. I felt this accompaniment of thoughts, this healthy jealousy of being protective of someone yet this unpolluted desire to see this individual happy.

Have you felt such strongly about anyone? It could be anyone; your partner, your children, your friends, and/or anyone.

It is not just friendship, it is humanity.

Isn’t it really contenting when you can put a smile on someone’s face? Isn’t it humbling when someone cares to listen to you, read your thoughts, insists in another chance to understand you and assist you in feeling good?

Under such circumstances, “thank you” doesn’t seem good enough to express one’s gratitude.

A hug, however, speaks volumes.

Although geographically restricted, I want to pass on a hug to my mum, dad, my sister Ashika. I must add that my sister just received her first year medical exam results and she came in the top 3 in her class. I am so proud of her!

 I want to pass a hug to my best friends, Vijay, Rajesh, Avikshith, Chaitanya, Venu, and April. And, how can I forget mentioning Annie, who has been there during my ups and downs. I want to pass a hug to Alina who has always been there to talk to and support me and critique me (if need be).

I want to thank my good friend Fouad who made sure he was here for me when I merely wanted him to be there. Thank you Fouad for giving me opportunities to show my talent, and for your continuous support during tough times. Also, I want to thank a friend - Peter, who added steroids to my already rational mind.

Also, I would like to send you all a hug. You are faithful readers and you all care about me. I can tell that from your dedication and your comments. Thank you all! 

We learn from life. More specifically, we learn from life’s mistakes. The wrongs we’ve committed AKA mistakes are a synonym to life’s experiences. It makes us stronger, it makes us cautious, and it makes our life better. But, to make these positive effects possible, we need to analyze such experiences under a positive light.

If you are going to look at your life’s experiences and exclaim, “why me?”, you may not really go anywhere. Be strong! Accept your mistakes, when you’ve committed one. Stick to your right decisions, if you have cherished its fruits. Do not drag yourself into a disappointing stage by questioning yourself more than it is necessary.

My dad is the most optimist person I have ever met. He will keep smiling under the worst of circumstances, and emerge stronger. I am told I am like him. I take pride in that. I have gone through my fair share in life. I write so bearing in mind that I am 25 years young.

I have always been myself. But, in the recent past, I have undergone some changes which are making me sceptical now. I dislike this attitude in me. It is a result of something that has recently happened in my life.

In the past, I did not care much about anyone’s feelings, as I stayed stern in not compromising on being true. Ask my friends and their succinct description of me would be – “Ajey is like HOUSE MD”. Although now I continue to be honest, I am taking a delayed approach to it. I fear to fully open myself as I have faced the grunt of having done so. It hurt! And, I, for one, am still healing.

I am just returning from meeting a teammate of mine. His condition – “lonely and devastated”. I gave him a call, and told him, “If you need someone to talk to, you have my number”. His response to me, “You know what, until now, my friends call me for parties and cinema. Now, no one! I cannot believe you are asking me this Ajey. Thanks man! It definitely means a lot. I am very happy that you called me”.

Although this makes me happy, I am and actually was reminded of my sister’s comment - "Are you all right? Please answer this honestly. You never show your pain. You always hide it. You take others pain, and never show yours. Stop doing that anna. You care too much. Come home! We love you!"

Honestly, I feel contented that I have made him smile and reassured. But, that only submerges my feelings on my life’s situation to deeper levels. And, that is hurting the one who is close to me and the one who genuinely cares about me because of the need to dig deeper.

Fear of being judged. Fear of being thrown into a paradox. Fear of being blamed.

I know that my chums don’t see me that way, but still, I am bruised. And, it takes time to heal. The wound is deep, not superficial for me to just brush off and keep walking.

I am limping now. Although a good progress, I am still limping.

It is time for some reassurance. That’s all I can claim. That’s all I can offer.

And, I apologise for being difficult, if I am being difficult at all. I may get teased for this.  

I want to share a song with you all. It is called “Wither” from my most favourite band ever! They are called “Dream Theater”. This song explains what I am telling myself these past few weeks. 

I was in the shell until recently. The consequences of opening up did go well in some ways, and in some ways it destroyed me leaving no remains. And, now I am getting back to my shell and revisiting my old characteristics. Yes, I realize that this is not healthy, especially if I am seeking any form of relationship with anyone. But, I do not dare to open up now.

Let us shift this post to something exciting, shall we? A part of this video was shot in Brisbane. Dream Theater had come to play here on December 2, 2009. I got a free ticket 2 hours prior to the show! If you have microscopic eyes, you can actually see me in the third row of the concert video. How cool is that?! 

As long as I am giving away hugs here, a BIG HUG to Dream Theater. You guys don't know how much of a help you are in this healing phase of my life. Thank you so much!!!

A realist, an optimist that I am, I am going to quote one of the lines from this song that I want you all readers to bear in mind – “the world is what you create”.  

Photo by Ajey Padival 

Copyright © Ajey Padival 2010 (Brisbane, Australia; +61434360675; ajeypadival@msn.com)