Thursday, June 3, 2010

My Punishment


I have not slept properly since... so, I over slept this afternoon. I have been listening to loud music since... and I have just been negating my feelings. But, I think I failed to carry on with it. As I woke up this noon, I found my pillow to be wet. I had not realized how much I had cried. But, I knew this was just the beginning. I hardly cry. You know, I do not cry that easily.

As I woke up, I got up, and I felt heavy on the inside. I washed my face and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw a better man. But, it is sad to deal with the fact that the reason behind it will not stand by me no more.

I have a major exhibition coming up. Therefore, as I needed to make some final adjustments, and deviate myself, I paced myself to the printing house. Sometimes, I think my iPod connects itself to my feelings. “The Best of Times” began playing (readers, please use the player on the top right, under “Song for the Week” to listen to the song. And, only then proceed to reading this post). Now, I do realize that the song is written by a son to and for his father. But, I reckon the feelings are transferable and can be applied to any strong relationship. 

As I paced uphill, my knees gave in. It is the second time this has happened in 25 years. I broke down. And, this time it was hard! I dried the moistness on my face that we call tears, and deviated myself yet again by thinking to me that how can people ruthlessly think that Petrucci cannot play a soulful guitar solo. I wish I had the money to play a festival dedicated to just his songs. His solo made me realize I am in love.

I think sometimes when you are engulfed in work; you disallow yourself to properly express your feelings. I get this from my father. I recall my mom complaining about it. In fact, this is the only characteristic she has complained of.

Even she detected this in me.

I do not want to write about how to express one’s feelings. I shall save that for another day. I can be selfish here and simply chose to express my day, can’t I? After all, this is my spot.

Somehow, I managed to go and get my errands done. I am good at managing my emotions and not mixing personal with professional life. I had not even realised that my iPod had stopped playing anything.

Then, why was I tapping my foot? To what beat was I doing so? Why was I faking a smile? Why was I deviating myself by voluntarily calling my friends and offering help to strangers? Why was I not eating well? Why was I staying away from water? By the way, I know the answers to all of these questions.

Those eyes that looked at me knew something was wrong. Someone told me, “Your fake smile cannot deceive me. What’s wrong?”. But, you see, I am a very private person and I do not share everything with everybody. So, if you feel reading this post is making no sense, or useless I will not mind you leaving.

Whenever people ask me to describe myself in a precise manner, I tell them I am like the character House MD on TV. So, you now know how I am. And, I know what to do about all of this. 

Now, I do not know whom to call to talk to. Or, do I? It is very difficult to find a substitute to talk to. Believe me, it is hard. It is very hard. Very very hard. Oh! my goodness, it is so hard! So, I did and wrote this –

Me – Hello
My Dad – Hello
Me – Yea, hello
My Dad – Yea, Ajey
Me – Hello papa
(Deep breaths)
My Dad – Ajey? Hello! What’s wrong?!
Me – Nothing
(Deep breaths/crying)
My Dad – Ajey! Raaji, come here! Soon!

(Dead line)

(Flute INTRO)
(Drums begin)

I stare at the ground
I slouch
I stoop down
As I walk forward
When dreams that can come true
Are ditched to the ground
My innocent hope is burnt away
I look up
People wait for me to answer
To the question I don’t know
Happiness has retired from my life
Myself, I have lost from my life

This punishment makes me
Walk long distances
To unknown places
How more lost can I be?

(Strings SOLO)
(Flute SOLO)

I try to smile
In front of the mirror
Before I do so
In front of others
And, then I wonder
Why am I lying?
This is not me
My hands on the rim of the sink
My head facing downwards
My eyes shut
Tears wet my toes
My life
Now blank
Now bland
My expressions are dead
In this roller-coaster ride of life

I had expected
A shade of love over me
I have accepted
The broken pieces of glass under my feet
Just then
I had someone
Just now
I have no one

This punishment makes me
Walk long distances
To unknown places
How more lost can I be?

(Flute SOLO)
(Choir AH)

I simply sit
I simply stare
At the dried leaves
I see sadness in them
My lips begin to quiver
My body beings to shiver
I feel this pinch in my eyes
This hurt in my soul
I get stubborn
But, only for a while
And, finally, the tears run down again

It is good for one
To set a goal and
Work towards it
But, it hurts most
When the sun
Begins to set
As you walk towards your goal
I stop for no reason
I find myself lost
In places I know
So, I find places
Where I can find no one
Where I am judged by no one
Where I need not answer to any one
But, then
Whom do I express myself to?

I had not wished for this
Yet, it is here

This punishment makes me
Walk long distances
To unknown places
Makes me cry and wither
The sadness is as deep
As the darkness of the night
How more lost can I be?

I stare at the ground
I slouch
I stoop down
As I walk forward
When dreams that can come true
Are ditched to the ground
My innocent hope is burnt away
I look up
People wait for me to answer
To the question I don’t know
Happiness has retired from my life
Myself, I have lost from my life

This punishment makes me
Walk long distances
To unknown places
How more lost can I be?


Photo by Ajey Padival 

Copyright © Ajey Padival 2010 (Brisbane, Australia; +61434360675; ajeypadival@msn.com)





7 responses:

Bernadine said...

Hi AJ

I too have problems expressing myself well in posts, don't worry. That is why I post mostly words of songs, because they express what I feel at that point in time best for me. I couldn't listen to song either because Stats is blocking almost everything in this place including YouTube. I can only post and watch YouTube from home.

I like the words of your song. It expresses your feeling well (I think). Although you are agnostic just know that there is a God out there that cares a lot about you and who's there when you need Him especially in times like this.

Please don't be mad at me for telling you this. I'm just speaking my from heart here.

Sorry about the long comment. :)

findingmywingsinlife said...

hmmm. There is a lot here. I'm glad you wrote this for yourself though.

Eva said...

I read this over again. I can relate to this in so many ways. If this is how you are feeling at the moment I'm glad you let it out. And if it is just a memory of past feelings than I'm glad you shared it because it had immense depth to it.

Punishment is an interesting thing. No one can punish us as much as we punish ourselves.

Strawberry Girl said...

Through the darkness of your grief remember that you are still loved...

island of peace said...

This is beautiful. i too am like you. when i am working i am completely immersed in it.

i sometimes get oblivious of the world around.

Vittaldas Prabhu said...

This is so heart-rending, Ajey. I am totally speechless. How well you have described the feelings! I am sure you will find peace as I know you are strong enough to find it.

Viji said...

Ajey, when I read this song, I felt this is what I want to say too. Only the person, who can hear the heart's cry? expect of course, by the person they love, even they would have to strain to hear it.

Take care, Ajey!