My Punishment

I have not slept properly since... so, I over slept this afternoon. I have been listening to loud music since... and I have just been negating my feelings. But, I think I failed to carry on with it. As I woke up this noon, I found my pillow to be wet. I had not realized how much I had cried. But, I knew this was just the beginning. I hardly cry. You know, I do not cry that easily.

As I woke up, I got up, and I felt heavy on the inside. I washed my face and looked at myself in the mirror. I saw a better man. But, it is sad to deal with the fact that the reason behind it will not stand by me no more.

I have a major exhibition coming up. Therefore, as I needed to make some final adjustments, and deviate myself, I paced myself to the printing house. Sometimes, I think my iPod connects itself to my feelings. “The Best of Times” began playing (readers, please use the player on the top right, under “Song for the Week” to listen to the song. And, only then proceed to reading this post). Now, I do realize that the song is written by a son to and for his father. But, I reckon the feelings are transferable and can be applied to any strong relationship. 

As I paced uphill, my knees gave in. It is the second time this has happened in 25 years. I broke down. And, this time it was hard! I dried the moistness on my face that we call tears, and deviated myself yet again by thinking to me that how can people ruthlessly think that Petrucci cannot play a soulful guitar solo. I wish I had the money to play a festival dedicated to just his songs. His solo made me realize I am in love.

I think sometimes when you are engulfed in work; you disallow yourself to properly express your feelings. I get this from my father. I recall my mom complaining about it. In fact, this is the only characteristic she has complained of.

Even she detected this in me.

I do not want to write about how to express one’s feelings. I shall save that for another day. I can be selfish here and simply chose to express my day, can’t I? After all, this is my spot.

Somehow, I managed to go and get my errands done. I am good at managing my emotions and not mixing personal with professional life. I had not even realised that my iPod had stopped playing anything.

Then, why was I tapping my foot? To what beat was I doing so? Why was I faking a smile? Why was I deviating myself by voluntarily calling my friends and offering help to strangers? Why was I not eating well? Why was I staying away from water? By the way, I know the answers to all of these questions.

Those eyes that looked at me knew something was wrong. Someone told me, “Your fake smile cannot deceive me. What’s wrong?”. But, you see, I am a very private person and I do not share everything with everybody. So, if you feel reading this post is making no sense, or useless I will not mind you leaving.

Whenever people ask me to describe myself in a precise manner, I tell them I am like the character House MD on TV. So, you now know how I am. And, I know what to do about all of this. 

Now, I do not know whom to call to talk to. Or, do I? It is very difficult to find a substitute to talk to. Believe me, it is hard. It is very hard. Very very hard. Oh! my goodness, it is so hard! So, I did and wrote this –

Me – Hello

My Dad – Hello

Me – Yea, hello

My Dad – Yea, Ajey

Me – Hello papa

(Deep breaths)

My Dad – Ajey? Hello! What’s wrong?!

Me – Nothing

(Deep breaths/crying)

My Dad – Ajey! Raaji, come here! Soon!

(Dead line)

(Flute INTRO)

(Drums begin)

I stare at the ground

I slouch

I stoop down

As I walk forward

When dreams that can come true

Are ditched to the ground

My innocent hope is burnt away

I look up

People wait for me to answer

To the question I don’t know

Happiness has retired from my life

Myself, I have lost from my life

This punishment makes me

Walk long distances

To unknown places

How more lost can I be?

(Strings SOLO)

(Flute SOLO)

I try to smile

In front of the mirror

Before I do so

In front of others

And, then I wonder

Why am I lying?

This is not me

My hands on the rim of the sink

My head facing downwards

My eyes shut

Tears wet my toes

My life

Now blank

Now bland

My expressions are dead

In this roller-coaster ride of life

I had expected

A shade of love over me

I have accepted

The broken pieces of glass under my feet

Just then

I had someone

Just now

I have no one

This punishment makes me

Walk long distances

To unknown places

How more lost can I be?

(Flute SOLO)

(Choir AH)

I simply sit

I simply stare

At the dried leaves

I see sadness in them

My lips begin to quiver

My body beings to shiver

I feel this pinch in my eyes

This hurt in my soul

I get stubborn

But, only for a while

And, finally, the tears run down again

It is good for one

To set a goal and

Work towards it

But, it hurts most

When the sun

Begins to set

As you walk towards your goal

I stop for no reason

I find myself lost

In places I know

So, I find places

Where I can find no one

Where I am judged by no one

Where I need not answer to any one

But, then

Whom do I express myself to?

I had not wished for this

Yet, it is here

This punishment makes me

Walk long distances

To unknown places

Makes me cry and wither

The sadness is as deep

As the darkness of the night

How more lost can I be?

I stare at the ground

I slouch

I stoop down

As I walk forward

When dreams that can come true

Are ditched to the ground

My innocent hope is burnt away

I look up

People wait for me to answer

To the question I don’t know

Happiness has retired from my life

Myself, I have lost from my life

This punishment makes me

Walk long distances

To unknown places

How more lost can I be?

Photo by Ajey Padival 

Copyright © Ajey Padival 2010 (Brisbane, Australia; +61434360675; ajeypadival@msn.com)